


Limitless Undying Love

by cattyk8



Series: Love Doesn't Always Require Attachment [1]
Category: DCU
Genre: Detached Penis, Even though that's not an excuse, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I am so sorry, Kryptonian Biology, M/M, So So So Sorry, sentient penis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-16 07:37:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19642900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cattyk8/pseuds/cattyk8
Summary: Things are getting quite uncomfortable in the BatCave.[Warning: Crack drabble + bad art inspired by bonehandledknife's epic/smutty crack ficDetachment]





	Limitless Undying Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bonehandledknife (ladywinter)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladywinter/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Detachment](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19403224) by [bonehandledknife (ladywinter)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladywinter/pseuds/bonehandledknife). 



> If you're reading this and you haven't read "[Detachment](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19403224/)" by the amazing [bonehandledknife (ladywinter)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladywinter/pseuds/bonehandledknife), you might find yourself a little lost in the kingdom of WTFland. Seriously. Proceed with caution. 
> 
> If you have not read "Detachment," please do so because it is amazing and you would think it's just pure crackporn, but there is a surprising and delightful amount of feelings of a romantic nature, not to mention case study-worthy levels of world building. 
> 
> However, if you _still_ want to read this without reading "Detachment," here is what you need to know: Clark is Kryptonian. Kryptonian physiology evolved in such a manner that, to increase the efficiency of heeding the biological imperative, their cocks detach from their bodies and go in search of ideal mates. Normally, these cocks kind of fade away after the Origin Body is united with their Chosen. However, normally, Kryptonians live under a red sun, can't fly, and don't shoot lasers out of their eyes. Suffice it to say, there is nothing normal about Superman. Or his detached genitalia.

Alfred cleared his throat awkwardly. That in itself was a warning sign. Alfred was many, many things, but awkward wasn't one of them. "Master Bruce, I thought you and Master Kent had resolved the matter of his, ah..."

Of course, there was only one thing short of imminent global destruction that could give Alfred pause. "Spontaneous penile detachment?"

"Just so, sir."

"It's a work in progress. Not much is known about Kryptonian physiology following a lifetime's exposure to yellow sunlight, I'm afraid."

"But, sir, three of the lower eastern most caverns of the BatCave have already been filled with Master Kent's, er, appendages."

"I am aware."

"Additionally, it is becoming increasingly difficult to stave off Master Dick's curiosity about the lower levels and your reasons for declaring them off-limits."

"I am aware of this also."

"I had thought that we would see a reduction in their numbers after you had the idea of attaching the cameras and adding them to the global monitoring network, but, sir, if anything, their numbers have increased."

"I had not counted on the physiological benefits of positioning them in the stratosphere where they would receive more sunlight than usual."

"I understand, sir. And it is not that I'm not grateful to them, especially as several of them gave up their existence to protect you from Darkseid's omega beams during the—"

"Alfred, I believe we can agree that the less said about that, the better," Bruce said, inwardly wincing away from the memory of a veritable wall of Clark's penii that had arrived with super speed to come between him and the Apokolips dictator who had attempted to conquer the earth no less than thrice now.

Both he and Clark had reported that things had occurred too quickly for them to see what had happened, but in truth Bruce had had a split second to realize that he was seeing the backs of a thousand pairs of balls compressed so tightly there had been no gaps between them at all.

They had been vaporized by Darkseid's omega beams, and only Clark and Bruce (and Darkseid, possibly) had been present and aware enough to see what had happened, but Bruce still woke up in cold sweats on random occasions, haunted by nightmares of the media catching photos of a wall of Clark's cocks swooping in to save Batman from certain demise.

"Indeed, sir," Alfred said, and it took a while for Bruce to pick up the thread of their conversation again, having been momentarily derailed by the traumatic memory.

"I'll talk to Clark again, see if he can't find more information on the Fortress's computers about how the cocks are supposed to dissipate."

"Thank you, sir. That is all I ask."

"I apologize for the difficulty this has caused you, Alfred."

"'He must needs go that the devil drives,' I suppose," the butler mused. Only Alfred would quote Shakespeare when contemplating the conundrum of a million detached genitalia cluttering up workspace that was supposed to be dedicated to their Mission.

"It will have to wait, though, as Clark is off planet assisting with an environmental crisis on Rodaxis IV. He's been there a month already, but it may be as many as six weeks before he can make the return trip. It's far enough that the travel time makes 'shore leave' prohibitive."

"My word." Bruce looked up to see the butler's face slackened in a rare display of shock. "Do you mean to say that these newestadditions to your, ah, collection are arriving from lightyears away?"

Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose, a sudden headache forming. "Alfred, I would rather not contemplate the logistics of Clark's unattached genitalia breaking light speed just now, if it's all the same to you."

The butler recovered his composure with admirable focus and determination. "Of course, sir." He paused. "I suppose I'll have to put in another order for the, ah, cages you'd commissioned from that poor gentleman at R&D."

"Yes, do that, Alfred."

"And what, prey tell, shall I inform him if he inquires as to the reason you need so many replacements?"

Bruce's brain, which so frequently went a mile a minute and maintained multiple threads of thought at any given instant, stuttered and ground to a halt. "Uh," he said intelligently.

The butler waited, patient as ever.

"Polo," Bruce finally croaked out.

"Polo, sir?"

"Polo," he confirmed, with a crisp nod. "It's a dangerous sport, you know."

"Very good, sir."

Normally, Alfred moved so silently he could even sneak up on Batman when he wanted to. Today, Bruce could track his progress up the stairs to the manner by the man's mutterings.

"Polo," that most proper gentleman spat out, as if the sport were something much more depraved than it was. "Bloody buggering hell. Alfie, my boy, you are sorely in need of a vacation."

Bruce agreed. Perhaps he should even schedule Alfred's time off six weeks from now, to coincide with Clark's return.

As if summoned by the thought, a new cock flew into the cave, scattering the bats that had settled in the far corner. The cave's indigenous bat population had certainly suffered in the advent of the cocks' arrival and Bruce's discovery of them. Already starting to make plans, Bruce patted the head of the cock with absent fondness. Yes, six weeks from now would be the perfect time for Alfred to take a nice, long vacation. If he was lucky, the butler might even bring Dick with him on his travels.

**Author's Note:**

> 🙈 🙈 🙈 🙈 🙈
> 
> If you've read this and are wondering, "What have you done?" be assured that I too am wondering the same. This fic is also unbetaed because I would not subject my betas to this because, _because_ (do I even have to say because why).
> 
> And since I might as well completely succumb to depravity, here is a GIF-story I made, of art I drew for the ManManBangBang Discord [Thonksgiving 2018](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/mmbb_thonksgiving2018) challenge, inspired by the conversations that inspired BHK's fic and also early beta readings of the fic itself. 
> 
> I am so, so, so, SO sorry.


End file.
